i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
