Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
