i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
