She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have aggressive nipples.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
