I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
