It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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