Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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