Cold hands, warm shart.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
His nipple licking is glorious
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