he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
now i know why i became what i already was.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
