I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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