Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
