I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
