my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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