When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
