I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
