I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
