he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
