you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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