Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
