this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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