i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
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Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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