I have demons in me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
