Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
