He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
someone owes me an orgasm
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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