i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
