Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
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It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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