Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
