Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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