At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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