I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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