Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
