listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
