Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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