he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
