So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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