you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
