saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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