who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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