so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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