i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
