You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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