I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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