What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
