He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
mondays should just be called national damage control day
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
