yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
