Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
