Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How does one acquire holy water?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize