I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
