he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
