I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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