I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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