Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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