grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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