dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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