between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER