My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
