i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
