I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
