We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
