im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
