For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
