and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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