Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
