I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
