I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
third nipple confirmed
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
