I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
